Friday, January 06, 2006

Pat Robertson Moons Ariel Sharon

This is a story I'm also publishing on the WNYMedia.net site. At the moment I can't get the feed from that site to this one (hence the "blankness" below my Panara's Bodacious Blarney header), so I'm reprinting it here. I've gotten a couple of comments on the story over there, one person was chuckling over it, another accused me of not believing that God intervenes in the world. Hahahahaha. Anyone who knows me knows I believe God routinely intervenes in the world. I just don't happen to think Pat Robertson has any more insight into God than your average toddler. To quote my 4-year-old, "The letter T is JUST LIKE a cross, only it doesn't have God on it!" Anyway, here is my Pat Robertson piece, with bonus commentary on the status of mooning in our society: With Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon clinging to life after suffering a serious stroke, his supporters must be relieved to learn that his demise has been Divinely Ordained. So says televangelist Pat Robertson, self-appointed SpokesProphet of God. Apparently God was ticked over Sharon’s plan to give some land to the Palestinians, so he ordered up a severe medical problem that would (ahem) “take him out.” Far be it from me to argue with God or his Prophet! But even though mooning is strictly legal in the U.S., I’m not sure everyone is appreciating Pat’s attempt to metaphorically drop his trousers and point his heinie in the direction of Israel. It wasn’t enough for Pugnacious Pat to wish death on Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez last summer. Which he later amended to say he was only suggesting that some lucky gal “take him out” to dinner. Turns out Pat supports this Women’s Lib stuff after all! Now Pat is honoring the deathwatch over Ariel Sharon by claiming the 77-year-old Israeli Prime Minister’s recent strokes were God’s retribution for his plan to “divide” Israel and cede some of its land to the Palestinians. Would it be too rude to point out that the Palestinians are, in fact, “Native Peoples” to the area? It’s enough to make me want to rename the Washington Redskins. How about the D.C. Palestinians? That would certainly project an image of a team never willing to give up no matter how long the odds, or how awful the draft picks. And won’t the cheerleaders look tough in those bulky vests? But I digress, which is easy to do when discussing the Middle East. Since Pat is busy channeling God, would it be okay for me to channel the late Emily Post and ask if this is good etiquette? Shouldn’t major Christian leaders at least wait a seemly amount of time, say, until after the guy dies, before suggesting his death was evidence of God’s wrath, or, in any case, God’s official political opinion? If Sharon dies as the result of God’s displeasure over the country’s boundaries, does the CEO of the Rand-McNally mapmakers have something to worry about? Is he going to get bonked on the head by one of his own oversized globes? Do you think it’s remotely possible that Sharon is suffering health problems because 1) He is old, as in PAST the average age of death for chain-smoking white men, 2) He’s extremely overweight, even morbidly obese. Anyone want to venture a guess as to what the “morbid” part of morbidly obese represents? 3) He’s in a high-stress job. Oh, sure, everyone loves him, but he still has to worry about someone nuking his country or assassinating him personally. All part of a day’s work for the Israeli prime minister! If Polite Pat is so sure he knows what God thinks, would he mind asking if this Iran thing is going to explode into World War III? I, for one, would appreciate a little advance notice so I can put my head between my knees and locate my TV’s remote control. Obnoxious aside: If World War III actually DID break out, would the cable channels bother to break into their regular programming to tell us? Or would we have millions of teenagers who would never hear the news at all because MTV would be blithely continuing with its regular schedule? Anyway, Pat’s claim that God has come to earth and taken the form of a blood clot in Ariel Sharon’s brain is outrageous, but he is only “mooning” Mr. Sharon in a metaphorical sense. We’ve learned recently that baring one’s buttocks is a form of free speech that is “protected” in the U.S., and, most specifically, Maryland. Since “mooning” is a colloquial expression having nothing to do with illegal liquor stills or NASA, I feel I should at least define it as being “a form of expression that leaves the communicator at risk of sunburn and insect bites.” Actually if it hadn’t been for this recent court ruling I wouldn’t have guessed that anyone thought there was a law against it. I believe it may even be legal to moon motorists while standing in the median of a divided highway, thus tying up traffic for untold hours. I think we only have laws against exposing body parts that are involved in reproduction and lactation. Elimination and constipation are apparently protected by the U.S. Constitution. Personally, I think the accuracy of Mr. Robertson’s retribution statement is probably best symbolized by a steaming pile of you-know-what. So Pat is not so much “making pronouncements” as he is “eliminating thoughts” from his overtaxed brain. And we’re all getting to see the lovely results in our neatly manicured media outlets. A late holiday present from me to all of you: the official Pat Robertson Metaphorical Pooper Scooper. For collecting his pearls of wisdom and depositing them where they belong. Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah!

13 Comments:

Blogger Political Nihilist said...

Haven't read all your posts but the funny facts and memory quiz certainly entice one to return for more. Robertson Metaphorically Moons Sharon is a great piece, partly because it sounds like something I wrote a decade ago concerning the Dixie Chicks' take on political events then topical. One observation for potential future reference... "want advance notice so I can put my head between my knees and locate the remote to the television.." I think you could have worded that a little better. Best of luck with your site, from the little I've read it seems you kissed that famous stone more than once.

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