Sunday, December 18, 2005

And Time's the Person of the Year Is...

Time's Person of the Year, eagerly awaited by those of us who like to ingest news along with our carbohydrates, is none other than...a triumverate. Yes! Three persons in one. A trinity, if you will. A new trend that I already don't like, starting with the replacement of Nightline's Ted Koppel with three people who taken together aren't nearly as good. So who are these three all-important persons, bellwethers of Life As We Knew It in 2005? Was it this year's Weather Supremes: Hurricanes Katrina, Rita and Wilma? (No.) Was it our govermental stooges, FEMA's Michael Brown, New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin and Louisiana Governor Kathleen Blanco? (Uh-uh.) How about Republicans in Trouble, such as Scooter "G. Gordon" Libby, Bill "Me First" Frist, and "Smiling" Tom DeLay? (Nope.) Or Democrats Saying Dumb Things, such as Harry "Concentration Camps" Reid, John "the Army's Broke" Murtha, or Howard "The Scream" Dean? (Not hardly.) No. None of those. Singers perhaps? Ones we are sick of reading about, such as Britney & Kevin, Jessica and Whats-His-Name, J. Lo and anybody? Nah. Terrorists? We've got Bombings in Bali, Terror on Trains in Britain and Insurgents in Iraq. Eh, it's almost background noise now. Well then! How about people who DISTRACTED us from real news? The Runaway Bride in Albuquerque, Natalee Holloway in Aruba, Cindy Sheehan in Crawford? Big People Who Left Us Worse Off For Leaving? Pope John Paul II, Rosa Parks and Johnny Carson come to mind. How about those most responsible for reminding us that the news media is a wretched profession whose duty is to serve someone, but that the "someone" isn't the general public? I crown Queen Judy "Miss Run Amok" Miller (formerly of the New York Times), Court Jester Armstrong "Pay Me" Williams (ex-syndicated columnist), Pageboy Dan "Faked Evidence" Rather (retired from CBS News). Ooh. My suggestions above seem practically PLAUSIBLE. So which did Time Magazine choose? (Dramatic Rock and Roll Drum Roll gives way to clackclackclacking of a computer keyboard) The "Persons of the Year" are none other than U2 lead singer "Bono" and that husband and wife team of Bill and Melinda Gates. 'Cuz they're trying to make the world a better place! I have to admit I should really applaud Time's effort to name them. So what if it resonates with practically no one? Does it matter that it sounds like a bunch of high school teachers voted them "Most Admired Celebrities" in a dreamworld? Maybe the world is so depressing today that Time just had to look for someone doing good in the world and celebrate it no matter what. Time's writers are probably extremely tired of writing about hurricane debris. I should really agree wholeheartedly. It just seems so, so lame. Yes, the world is falling apart before our very eyes, but some very rich and famous people are throwing a lot of money at the world's problems! Also, after viewing the cover photo, I wish Bill and Bono had traded glasses. That would have offered an interesting visual effect. How is it that Mother Nature did not win hands down? (or bodies Facedown?) You've got a Tsunami in southeast Asia (the magnitude of which has never been seen in our lifetimes, and occurred too late to make the list last year). An earthquake in Pakistan that was large enough to make Pakistan and India set aside their nuclear threats for a few moments, and of course Hurricane Alley on the Gulf Coast, which waterlogged an American City to the point where it Ain't Coming Back. (Repeat: Ain't. Coming. Back.) I suppose I should give Time credit for looking at the bright side. They've lit a candle instead of cursing the darkness! Okay, Time. Maybe the world WILL be a better place in 2006. We can only pray that it is. If I had to pick one person of the year it would've been Terri Schiavo, victim soul for this poor, deluded humanity that resides on earth. May God bless us all, every one.

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