Thursday, December 01, 2005

Pet Peeves for Cranky Women

These are the top-ranking pet peeves for women, as compiled by a bunch of people who are totally guessing. Agree or disagree? 1) When someone says something negative about obese people. Yes! It makes my cellulite start jiggling with anger. Since more than half of America is overweight, you're making fun of the majority! Does that sound smart? We women are more sensitive about our weight than men, so when men say something snarky we take it as an assault on our gender. 2) When someone says "A woman should never be president." What, like the men have done such a great job? Plus, wasn't Woodrow Wilson's wife running the country at one point? Maybe I haven't been listening closely enough, though, because I honestly have never heard anyone say that. 3) When a man says having affairs is just part of the male biology. Along with saying stupid things, I presume. Well pooping in the woods is part of our biology, too. Civilized people don't do it. I just read a statistic that half of all married women have had an affair, so maybe it's part of women's biology, too. Put that in your pipe and worry about it! 4) When your boyfriend says he never wants to get married. Huh? Boyfriends NEVER say that. It would ruin everything, especially for HIM. What they say is, "I need more time," or "I'm not ready yet," or "Why do we need to get married when what we have is so great?" or "I've been hurt before, so I can't trust anyone else yet," or "you only need to be married if you're ready for kids, and I'm not ready for kids," or, "Pass me the remote." Anyway, I never understood why women are anxious to marry men who aren't anxious to marry them. Doesn't anyone feel the need for enthusiasm before a date is set? 5) When the line is longer for the women's restroom than for the men's. I have taken creative action. Look for restrooms on other floors! See if you can find an employee restroom! Put your hair under a baseball cap, scrunch it over your eyes, throw on hubby or boyfriend's jacket, and slouch into the men's room! (I have done this with a full shopping cart in the grocery store.) If no other options exist, avoid liquids! 6) Men who get paid more than women for the same job. These days, don't they at least have to call it something else? When it's time to ask for a raise, you'll know how much to ask for. "The same amount that Bubba's getting." 7) Male bosses who make sexual jokes. Tape recorder? Lawsuit? Camcorder in your desk, whip it out and say you wanted to capture some of his best material for replay at the office Christmas party? Ask him to repeat the joke slowly so you can type it into an email you're sending to your lawyer? Say, "That's your wife's joke, right? Does she have any more?" Ask if his kids are as funny as he is. Gift him with the Ex-lax brownies. 8) Guys who can't take the hint that we're not interested. Listen, that isn't their fault. They're programmed to keep trying. Is it so hard to say, "I'm not interested," or "You're not my type?" 9) Co-workers who wear sexy outfits to the office. That isn't annoying. It's entertainment! Every office needs one of these. Maybe two, so they can try to outdo each other! It is always interesting to see what they'll flounce into the office wearing during the season's first blizzard. 10) Relatives who ask "When are you getting married?" Possible responses:
  • (Ashen look on your face.) "Did he set a DATE and not TELL me? What have you heard?"
  • "As soon as he divorces his wife."
  • "Hopefully before I succumb to my fatal illness."
  • "As soon as possible."
  • "We already are. Did we forget to invite you?"
  • "We're waiting for a few elderly relatives to die off so we can shorten the guest list."
  • "Whenever you want us to, if you'll pay for it."
  • "I can't. I'm gay, and he's my cover."
11) Relatives who inquire, "When are you going to have a baby" (Why, are you available to babysit?)
12) When your mother says something mean about your lifestyle. Why be negative. Just say, "yeah, isn't it great?" Unless it's about your closets. Just go clean them!
13) When someone asks how far along you are when you're not pregnant. Most people realize this is about as popular as asking someone how much they weigh, but I suppose it still happens. Just tell them you're due in 10 years. How about the reverse, not realizing a heavy person IS pregnant when they are? That's sort of insulting, too.
14) Men who stare at your chest. Well I suppose you could just tell him his fly is open so he knows where you've been staring.
15) Men who whistle when you're walking down the street. What, that isn't a compliment? As long as they aren't making lewd propositions, who cares?
16) When your boyfriend or husband forgets to ask how your big day at work went. Just TELL him! Then he won't have to ask.
17) When your husband/boyfriend buys you clothes in the wrong size. YOUR fault for not handing him the Sizing Memo before holidays or special occasions.
18) When your mother-in-law makes snippy comments. How about, "Thanks, I'm working hard on that." No sarcasm in tone allowed. You will go to heaven faster.
19) When your hairdresser screws up your 'do. Unless your an Academy Award nominee, you'll live. It might be an excuse to experiment, which most of us don't do often enough. Take pictures and let the kids have a laugh!
20) When someone obviously re-gifts. Be sure to give it back to them in the next go-around!
21) Pet peeve lists that go on longer than twenty items.

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