Thursday, October 20, 2005

Saddam in the Bouncy Seat

The news media was utterly fascinated this week with the start of Saddam Hussein's trial. They could barely tear themselves away to give us an update on Hurricane Wilma's historically low barometric pressure reading. I was not nearly so fascinated. Isn't this guy old news? I even found it a bit boring. Except for the visuals! This is the first time since childhood I have ever seen someone interrogated in a playpen. Yes, for some reason Saddam and his fellow henchersons were seated in contraptions that looked no different than a crib, playpen or port-a-crib from a couple decades ago. (And since the crimes they were being tried for were a couple decades old, also, I guess that seems appropriate!) It recalled the era of cloth diapers, plastic pants (which were more commonly called "rubber pants") and big, fat diaper pins. I can imagine there are plenty of people who might like to jab Saddam in a very sensitive area with a very sharp pin. Well be my guest! You can probably poke him right through the bars of his playpen. I feel certain we can get the fledgling justice system in Iraq to agree to a group bathroom break while we change Baby Saddam. Apparently he even had several toddler-style temper tantrums, refusing to acknowledge that the court existed, and holding his hands over his ears going, "nah nah nah nah." It's always fun to make such declarations, and for the record I'd like to suggest that gravity, taxes and calories don't exist. So if you see me tethered to my van (floating in a relaxed manner), munching doughnuts and thumbing my nose at the IRS, you'll know why. Saddam also insisted he is still the rightful leader of Iraq. Now that we've looked under every mosque, camel and couch cushion for WMDs without finding any, maybe we should concede him the point. Let's set him up back in his palace, fully armed with perhaps water pistols. Then let HIM deal with the "insurgency." We could save money and lives! It's like spending an obscene amount of money to draft a dud rookie quarterback, or to get an expensive free agent. You keep playing the dud because if you don't, then it seems like you've wasted a lot of money. Well this war in Iraq is taking on some dud-like characteristics, in my opinion. The quarterback efficiency rating is just terrible! So let's get rid of the dud and save all the money we would've spent to stay there battling an endless supply of insurgents. True, we would look ridiculous as a nation, but no more ridiculous than we did after Hurricane Katrina. Maybe we can blame the war in Iraq on former FEMA director Michael Brown. Let's pay him a couple million to accept responsibility! A bargain, if you ask me.

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