Thursday, September 29, 2005

Please Email This Article To 10,000 of Your Closest Soulmates Immediately And Bill Gates Will Give New Orleans A Trillion Bucks. Or Else You'll DIE.

Now that the news media is more or less done pumping up their ratings via extensive reporting of rumors, innuendo, exaggerations, falsehoods and histrionic hyperbole, they are now ready to set the record straight. It was all a bunch of hysteria-inducing lies! Profitable and titillating, but untrue. So now they have been devoting an exciting amount of airtime and column inches to detailing just how WRONG they were. To be fair, it is hard to get a story straight when your anchors are all wet and screaming at each other, and they have to rely on delusional, half-starved looters for information. So I'm here to retell the story of Hurricane Katrina. Only this time there will be no embellishments. Just the genuine poop straight from the sewers of New Orleans! It all began when a tropical "wave" high-fived Cuba and then developed into a "depression." It immediately headed for the Florida Keys in the hope of scoring some mood-altering substances. The tropical storm hip-checked South Florida as a mere Category I hurricane. Katrina then swirled into the Gulf of Mexico for 4o days and 40 nights while weather forecasters begged the Governor of Louisiana (Ellen DeGeneres), and the Mayor of New Orleans (Fats Domino) to call for mandatory evacuations of the city and coastline. The governor, channeling her forgetful Dory the Fish character from Finding Nemo, could not recall what the evacuation plan consisted of, nor what state she was supposed to be governing. She promptly legalized same-sex unions and applied for drought relief. Meanwhile Mayor Domino arranged a jam session of local musicians so the city could go under in style a la The Titanic. He belatedly issued an order for a "suggested evacuation" that included the poor, the elderly and the hospitalized to use U.S.S. Enterprise-style transponders to beam themselves to higher ground. Those who did not have fresh batteries for their transponders were advised to buy tickets to that weekend's New Orleans Saints game so they could "ride out the storm" in the comfort of the Superdome, with cheerleaders providing entertainment during the eye of the hurricane. Those who did not have the money to eat from the stadium's exorbitant snack menu were told to report to the Superdome with a six-pack and a roll of toilet paper. Meanwhile, the hurricane made landfall, causing a badly needed makeover of the coastline, re-shaping it into its original pristine people-free condition. Sandhill cranes celebrated their victory over mankind while armed killer dolphins roamed the bayous, plotting to finish off any human stragglers. News anchors cheered that the storm had veered at the last second and spared New Orleans from the anticipated destruction. Then a CIA-trained diving team consisting of Newt Gingrich, Rush Limbaugh and David Duke surreptitiously blew holes in several levees, flooding the city so that poor people would feel encouraged to abandon their homes and begin the process of gentrification in other urban areas, or possibly other urban continents. Pure freshwater from Lake Pontchartrain washed over the city, sweeping it of street grime, poor people and nursing home residents in one cleansing rush. Those city residents who did not have tickets for the football game chose not to evacuate due to a Mardi Gras in August Party scheduled at the New Orleans Convention Center. There was an elaborate buffet, and outsiders were clamoring to move to the city. The chamber of commerce was elated. By mid-week Mayor Fats Domino and Governor Ellen DeGeneres both woke up in bathtubs full of ice, and with painful, clumsily performed stitches in their noggins. A note scrawled on their respective bathroom mirrors (his in shrimp cocktail sauce, hers in lipstick) advised ominously, "Call FEMA!" The federal government rushed to their aid. The surgeon general soon examined the mayor and governor. They were both stunned to learn that some evil person, maybe even Martha Stewart, had secretly performed lobotomies on them, and had probably sold their brains on the black market. Or transferred them to that Imclone Company! Eventually the happy campers at the Superdome and Convention Center were transported out of New Orleans by means of: The Magic Schoolbus, The Polar Express, Jay Jay the Jetplane, and Herbie the Love Bug. They were assisted by the Superfriends, Booh-Bahs and Scooby-Doo and the Mystery Inc. gang. Everyone is extremely excited about the prospect of re-building New Orleans. It can all be done with the help of generous donations from philanthropists such as Oprah Winfrey (who is giving all evacuees "a NEW car!"), Bill Clinton (personally donating a dozen roses to each displaced family), and Michael Jackson (just a bunch of old magazines, actually, but you have to read something while your house is being rebuilt.) There was so much praise and back-slapping going on politicians were developing bruises between their shoulder blades. FEMA director Michael Brown did such an outstanding job he was granted an early retirement and gold watch from a grateful president. Those evacuees who fled to other sports arenas are welcomed by their host communities because they are helping improve attendance at the local games. They would like to stay, but the prospect of returning to a newly-rebuilt New Orleans is too tempting to resist. The new city is going to be glassed in like a snow globe so future hurricanes will just bounce off and hit, ahem, Texas. The Texans don't mind...they too would like their coastlines cleansed! Hurricane Katrina will be remembered for how she brought us all together as one big happy nation. The levee-front condos in New Orleans should be finished any time now.

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