Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Robertson vs Chavez: Smite-Down 2005

I meant to comment on this topic a couple months ago, when we first got the word that Smite Makes Right. You know things are careening out of control in world affairs when Pat Robertson issues a fatwa. Yes, we all heard that correctly. One of the USA's most famed Christian evangelists this summer declared a Death Edict in honor of Hugo Chavez. Why, Chavez is such a huge troublemaker that I didn't even know who he was prior to Robertson's proclamation. Quiz: Who is Hugo Chavez? 1) Peruvian author of Campesino Literature. 2) Modern day migrant labor leader. 3) One of the survivors of the Andean plane crash where the soccer players had to eat each other to stay alive. 4) Former member of Menudo. 5) Shortstop for the Washington Nationals. 6) President of the largest oil-producing nation in the Western Hemisphere. Answer: Follow the oil! Which leads us to Robertson's suggestion that "someone" assassinate Mr. Chavez, who is president of Venezuela. (Maybe Pat can dispatch whichever of the angelic spirits on his shoulders that he was listening to when this idea first came up.) There has been a lot of hue and cry over the fact that calling for anyone's untimely demise, particularly someone you've never met, does not approach the heights of Christian charity. But the fact remains that who lives and who dies is an area that DOES fall undr God's domain. The question becomes: is Pat Robertson now God's earthly webmaster? Is he the Worldly Justice Arm of God's heavenly legions? If he personally assassinates Chavez, or gets someone else to do so, can he honestly say, "I was just following orders?" Isn't that what .44 Caliber Killer David Berkowitz claimed back in the 1970s? Let's bring back Crossfire and have Pat debate the "Son of Sam" over who has more moral authority! Later Mr. Robertson said his words were taken out of context (hopefully by someone using rubber gloves or a 10-foot pole). He was simply misunderstood! Little did we know he was daydreaming aloud, channeling strictly personal Rambo-esque fantasies that have nothing to do with his stature as the head of the Christian Broadcasting Corp. Well shouldn't he have warned us before the interview that he was planning to get all charistmatic on us? That he would start speaking in tongues that everyone would find confusing? He went on to say that "taking him out" COULD mean a lot of things besides killing. It could mean kidnapping! (No commandment broken there. Thou Shalt Not Kidnap is in the Misdemeanor Section.) It could mean getting two tickets for a Broadway Show and reservations for a nice dinner! It was perhaps a suggestion that Condi Rice, Hillary Clinton or Tammy Faye Bakker-(Whatever Her New Name Is Now) make the social sacrifice for the good of our nation! Well I think Pat should take matters into his own hands. I'll tell you what I would pay to see -- "Punching" Pat and "Hurricane" Hugo in the ring together. It will be one of those epic battles like the kind that Captain Kirk had, mano a mano, against various aliens, complete with a cheesy Faux Dramatic musical background. (Kirk's opponents were all strangely human except they had reflective skin, weird-colored eyes, ugly outfits or a little extra facial cartilage.) Better yet! We'll get them together in a Predators vs the Christians scenario, where they have to work TOGETHER in order to defeat (choose two): a lion and an alligator, a tiger and a Florida python, a panther and an angry moose, a charging elephant and a rabid fox, or bigfoot and a mosquito carrying West Nile Virus. They would each be bare-chested and wearing loincloths, so the mosquito would have a definite advantage. Let's see if Pat could forget all about assassination attempts and work with his Christian brother Chavez to survive! I am thinking this would be hugely popular in a pay-per-view setting, and I'd be willing to personally publicize it. When Christian leaders start calling for targeted assassinations (or even general ones, frankly) then their stature as both Christians and leaders must be questioned. I'll give Robertson the benefit of the doubt that he's laboring on God's behalf. Certainly the CBC network and associated ministries do a lot of good, and the people who support them are generally well-meaning Christians. But when their leaders start sounding like Osama Bin Loudmouth, then it's time for Preacher Pat to revisit God's statements on where his Kingdom is located.


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