Friday, November 19, 2004

K-Mart Seizes Sears

Insurgent K-Mart accountants have overcome the Sears & Roebuck Convoy, apparently, and have taken Sears executives hostage. They are threatening to destroy their customer service department, or to slowly start decapitating employees using Craftsman brand tools. When I first heard this news I was thinking this is like North Korea taking over China, or the U.S. becoming a Canadian province. Isn't Sears the well-respected name here? Being taken over by K-Mart is like suggesting Sears is going to add a drive-through window and start giving out Kenmore Appliance replacement bulbs with its Sad Meals. Someone needs to slap Sears and say, "You can do better! Place a personal ad! Get a Glamour Shot taken and put your best foot forward!" Because K-Mart is like a date from the wrong side of the tracks. One of those guys who can't hold a steady job and has no prospects for the future. Don't get involved with him! If you fall in love you're gonna end up a Single Retailer with all kinds of little Bad Loans to feed. Or worse, he'll stay with you and lie around on the couch all day watching TV and drinking while you're at work, and then go out to strip clubs with his buddies after dinner. Do you really want that kind of future, Sears? And what about your name...are you going to keep your maiden name, the one everyone knows you by? Sears, Roebuck? It's a family name with a great reputation and a storied history dating back to the days when the Midwest was still being settled and relied on you for "town goods." Perhaps you will try a hyphenated thing, like Kmartsears-roebuck. Or maybe you could just become S-MART. Smart deals! Smart savings! Smart holiday blow-out sale! Are you gonna start putting useless disposable crap in your catalog? Sad to say, I don't see good things coming of this merger. We will be sitting down to Thanksgiving dinner with the new beau, and everyone will be eyeing K-Mart suspiciously, as if he plans to plop his Blue Light right on the table next to the mashed potatoes and starting pitching a great buy on plastic plants for the next 10 minutes only. Perhaps it is a sign that like the middle class in general, now middle class stores are disppearing. You must either be ultimate low end cheapo store, like Wal-somebody, or else a variation of Macy's. Now if only I could get the K-Mart/Sears Entity to merge with the Store Formerly Known as Eckerd's.

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