Friday, May 31, 2013

Just Lie Down On The Dotted Line...

An awful thing happened last week. A sad, immoral and criminal thing. A young teen-aged girl seeking medical services was molested by her service provider. Ah, I know what you’re thinking. (I think.) You’re thinking, okay, awful enough, but hardly unusual. In fact, these days, a molestation is about as rare as a sneeze.
But the story caught my eye anyway. To protect the girl’s privacy I will not identify her city, county, state, country, geo-political union, continent, hemisphere, planet or solar system. Let’s just say this happened somewhere in the Milky Way.
Here’s the situation: 14-year-old girl has a skin condition. (itching? redness? post-tattoo buyer’s remorse? who knows.) So the girl’s mother takes her to (WARNING. This is where the story starts to get weird) a MASSAGE THERAPIST. (who is also board-certified in Dermatalogical Medicine? We’re thinking not.) Ah, who knows. Maybe he’s a Renaissance Man. He does massages, laser treatments AND Feng Shui. And he changes windshield wiper blades for free. These days, people have to wear a lot of hats to stay in business. Still, the story was starting to make my temples itch.
Okay, so mom takes epidermally-troubled teen to local Skin Doc/Massage Therapist for treatment and apparently drops her off. Either that, or she went in and made small talk with the staff who happened to be (eh) NOTARY PUBLICS? Yes, she went to a Notary Public’s office for her appointment with the “skin doctor.” What’s the harm? They could maybe certify that she was seen on time.
Well, I always get suspicious when the first thing a doctor asks me to do is to don a blindfold. Yes, he blindfolded her for treatment! (I’ll bet you didn’t think you had to warn your kids about that old trick. Well, you DO!) I’m not blaming the girl. Kids are taught to follow doctors’ orders. Still. I would’ve liked to see that M.D. degree on the wall.
So after he blindfolds her, he proceeds to allegedly “perform lewd acts” on her in the interest of clearing up the skin condition. We can only hope she does not now have two skin conditions instead of one. Anyway, DaVinci’s Renaissance Man looks a little grabby. And he’s naked, besides.
Police arrested the Dermatologist/Massage Therapist/Notary Public, and charged him with committing the lewd acts after the girl told her mother what happened. A police search of the Notary Public/Massage Therapy/Dermatology office turned up…sex toys and condoms. That would be an eyeful while awaiting your turn in the patient room.
But, when you think of how Notary Publics turned Mortgage Robo-Signers have molested the general public, it is not surprising that this took place in such a versatile office setting. Where did they get this guy’s name, off a lawn sign on the side of the road? On the other hand, maybe he was charging Notary Public rates for his services, which would make him a comparative bargain.
Truly, a sad situation for this teen. And a cautionary tale for parents who need to give very specific instructions as to what to expect from medical service providers. And, maybe make sure you’re dropping them off at a doctor’s office.
And while Congress attempts to massage the Mortgage Mess, we can only hope they can find a financial ointment capable of solving it before the whole economy goes septic.

WRECK-TURE Wreaks Havoc In Midwest

The body count is still not complete from Saturday night’s Tornado Terror in Missouri, and already the Weather Channel is broadcasting a new round of watches, warnings, and blood-red parallelograms of punishment being leveled against more of the Midwest. For a nation that has barely processed its much bally-hooted Non-Rapture event, it seems we have moved directly on to circumstances that bear a frightening similarity to what was kinda sorta projected by the Biblical Billboard crowd: bunches of people, some sucked right out of their shoes, leaving this earth and meeting their Maker in very short order.
Sadly, these people died. But, they’d be just as gone had they been raptured. Not a comfort at all, but pretty darned WEIRD, in my opinion. So, whether you tend to think God is pitching batting practice with hailstones, or that the cow emissions and SUV flatulence have finally formed a lethal miasma that will now routinely spawn F-4 tornadoes, the thing is, it’s getting SCARY out there.
Joplin has seen over 100 deaths, but over 1,000 people are still missing. Hopefully these people will be checking in as hospitals release them and emergency crews dig them out, but when you look at the extent of the devastation, you can’t help but wonder if the death toll is going to climb far higher. It’s enough to make you want to hire Mike Mulligan and his trusty steamshovel and dig yourself a good old fashioned basement.
It has been interesting watching the live coverage, particularly when the storm chaser filming out the front windown of his car saw a telephone pole lift off like the Ghost of Christmas Cracked and fly over his car in a fully upright position. Honestly, I think I ducked myself when I saw it. So the best hiding places seem to be basements, storm cellars, meat freezers, and clinging to Jim Cantore’s back. I don’t know about concrete structures. A bunch of people were killed in a Home Depot when a concrete wall fell on them. (and yes, I would totally avoid the aisles with the screws and nails, power tools, and lighting fixtures, too) Heck, get OUT of the Home Depot and run to the mattress store! Get between a pillowtop and a boxspring and hang on with your teeth!
It seems quite a bit of the country has been subjected to weird winds, watches and warnings this spring. Last month St. Louis Airport got dinged by a twister. This weekend they had one near Minneapolis. Alabama, Mississippi and Georgia saw some terrible damages only weeks ago. Joplin was toppling. Tuscaloosa is now just Loosa. Lives were lost, homes destroyed, memories obliterated in a matter of minutes.
Let’s take a look at the Fujita Tornado Damage Scale to see what it means:
F0 — Light damage. Chimneys crack, branches break, trees are torn and signs are shellacked.
F1 — Moderate. Roof shingles take flight. Mobile homes are moved or flipped. Automobiles go off in non-GPS approved directions.
F2 — Considerable Damage. Roofs torn off. Mobile homes are mincemeat. Railroad cars are overturned. Trees uprooted. Cars go airborne.
F3 — Severe. Walls disappear from well-constructed homes. Entire trains go belly up. Whole forests flattened. SUVS go sailing.
F4 — Devastating Damage. Solid houses leveled to their foundations. Large objects become missiles.
F5 — Incredible Damage. Strong frame houses lifted and tossed. Sometimes pureed. Cars fly the length of a football field. Any tree still standing is debarked.
Joplin’s damage was recently assessed to be at an F5 level of damage in many places. It’s an effective reminder of how temporary life is, of how quickly it can be taken from us. I hope we can all pray for those affected, and may God have mercy on us all.

FAIL-A-GEDDON Leaves Many With Full Shoes...and Redundant Pet Services

In the biggest Rapture Fail Date so far this week, the Harold Camping Crowd got Left Behind. It wasn’t supposed to happen this way. Heck, the group even commissioned billboards to announce the May 21st date to a generally indifferent public. Doom Dates? Well after Y2K failed to so much as delay anyone’s cable bill, very few people were willing to bet their entire eternity on the word of a guy most people hadn’t heard of before this year. This month, even.
But, it seems the Camping crowd was doing more than just informing the world that someone else would have to take in their trash cans next week. They were also FISHING for donations. Yep! Apparently heaven just might have a cover charge. You can’t be too careful when it comes to having a Saturday Night reservation at an exclusive club.
And how come these committed Christians seem to have only a perfunctory familiarity with Matthew 24:36: “No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father.” That seems pretty basic, it is in the Gospels, and uttered by Jesus himself. Since when did Harold Camping become a more important authority than the guy he’s supposed to be working for?
Seems, though, that Harold has flunked spiritual math. Apparently he consulted several Old Testament Books, cross-multiplied them with some New Testatment Scripture, and came up with a Rapture Equation that didn’t quite balance. Whenever someone picks an End of the World date based on biblical math, they don’t take into account that there is ALWAYS a rounding error! And not all these preachers are the math geniuses they style themselves to be, anyway.
Now all kinds of news media outlets are asking if this is going to shake people’s faith in Christianity. Well, it should certainly shake their faith in Haroldolatry. After all, the man had previously predicted a similar rapture in 1994. He is now onto his second mulligan! And many remember the Hale-Bopp black sneaker crowd that expected to board spaceships in conjunction with the appearance of the Hale-Bopp Comet in 1997. Unfortunately some of those people committed suicide when their ride failed to show up. They were determined to leave the planet one way or the other.
A group of Christians labeled “Millerites” after William Miller,a Baptist Preacher, awaited Christ’s return 1n 1843. When He did not appear on schedule, Miller insisted he would return 1n 1844. Again, nothing. Finally, the group was ready to be Raptured in 1845. By then everyone gave up. Still, it’s tough to be so wrong that people are still talking about you as an historical footnote.
So Camping was a failure. Fishing for money was successful, but wrong. That leaves Hunting. Which I’m sure they all will be doing next — hunting for excuses. So far it looks like the only thing that may have been raptured was his radio station’s transmitter. Or, maybe’s it’s just too embarrassed to continue transmitting. With luck, 200 million people DID get saved this weekend. Saved from Harold Camping. He’s not completely wrong, though. The world’s gonna end, all right. Just not when we’re expecting it to.
If you are inclined to donate money to “the cause” it is tax deductible. They are officially a non-prophet organization.

Track & Britta: Not An Energy Drink!

They sound like one, though! Political Gadfly and rightwing opinion-polarizer Sarah Palin, along with Husband and Snow-Machine-Monster Todd, attended the marriage ceremony of their son, TRACK, to his high-school sweetheart Britta Hanson. The marriage took place in Hatcher Pass, Alaska.
Now the official story, which I eyeballed at the People Magazine website (because those “Associated Press” persons were too busy tsk-tsking President Obama for throwing Israel under an IED-laden bus), quotes the two families as saying, “Our families couldn’t be happier!”
Now joint statements like that always gives me visions of them saying it barbershop quartet style. Of course they could be happier. But I don’t feel like counting the ways.
In any case, best wishes to Track and the blushing bride. I suggest trademarking the “Track & Britta” name pronto, because surely SOMETHING could be sold under that name, if not a 2012 candidacy for Britta’s mother-in-law. (“Britta: The filter to use when you’d rather not know your mother-in-law’s unvarnished opinion.”)
Everyone seems to be dressed in Alaskan Midday Formal, Pre-Moosehunt Version.
The families added (a capella): “The Hanson and Palin families are ecstatic and proud that Britta and Track married in one of our favorite spots in America, spectacular Hatcher Pass, Alaska,” says the statement. “It’s a site we’ve all shared fun memories of skiing, snowboarding, hiking and snowmachining.”
Best wishes to the newlyweds and both their families. And Happy Snow Machining!