Death by the Numbers

I'm sure after watching all the watery footage the past couple weeks you're wondering what exactly are the odds of dying in a natural disaster such as a tsunami. And when did we stop calling them Tidal Waves? Is it some kind of hemispheric rule that we have to use the term favored by the people most affected? Like how we have to call it a "typhoon" if the hurricane happens on the other side of the globe? Or perhaps we are just enamored of the cosmopolitan feel of the word: it looks difficult to pronounce, but it isn't! Your odds of dying in a tsunami, in general, are 1 in 500,000. But since these are figures for U.S. residents, perhaps the odds are higher if you live in a hammock on a beach in Asia. The Number One cause of death in good ol' America is (drumroll) : Heart Disease, with 20 percent odds. Like we didn't know that. It is our preferred way of dying -- well-fed and then suddenly gone! Come to think of it, that doesn't sound like a bad way to go. Must add that notation to my living will. Really when you think of all we ask the heart to do, it's amazing it doesn't give out sooner. It has to beat all day, every day, hardly ever skipping a beat, like an Appliance with an Amazing Warranty. To that we heap on dietary challenges, such as eating raw cholesterol with salt and maple syrup. It is little wonder that by the time we're 75 the MRI shows our heart is shaped like a Big Mac. Plus it's always the heart that gets disappointed, crushed, eviscerated when Love Goes Badly. It deserves its own holiday on February 14th! Following closely after heart disease is The Big C: Cancer, with 1 in 7 odds that you will die of it. More people actually get cancer than that, but the treatments have gotten so much better that you stand a good chance of surviving long enough for your heart to give out, or for you to take that Asian Resort Vacation. Stroke is next in line, with 1 chance in 23 that this could cause your death. Treatments for stroke are also increasing life expectancy for patients, so the medical profession gets kudos for keeping us around longer. Accidental injury is 1 in 36 odds, and I believe this also includes car accidents, electrocutions and plane crashes. But for some reason, NOT fireworks discharges. (Dying from a fireworks display IS a spectacular way to go.) So if you want to put safety features around the house that's probably not a bad idea. In Buffalo we get a lot of falls where people tumble off the porch and impale themselves on a snow shovel, then have a heart attack on the way to the hospital when we realize the ambulance ride isn't covered on our insurance. Other types of dying with more remote odds are Assault by firearm: Best remedy, don't accept challenges to duels, join the army or go downtown at night. Fire or smoke: Keep those smoke detector batteries current, kick the cigarette habit, and get rid of the junk in the garage and basement. Natural Forces (heat, cold, storms, quakes, pestilence, Angels of the Apocalypse): Don't live in California, which is a magnet for all of the above. Basically we are living in a period of history where we are likely to be overwhelmed by Natural Forces, so just make sure you have enough underwear and deodrant to last 5-10 years or until you can trigger that heart attack. Legal execution: I like to think we have some control over this. Start by not committing felonies. Dog attack: You can carry one of those special whistles that are annoying only to dogs. (makes for a funny-looking keychain, though) Or a pepper spray that works on both man and beast. Saw a headline today: Nude Jogger Caught With Stun Gun. Haven't read the article yet, so I'm not sure if he or she was "discovered" running with a stun gun (and this would seem to be a natural defense if you're gonna run naked), or if the police were chasing him/her and they used the stun gun to "capture" him. I probably would surrender real fast if I was naked and someone was brandishing a stun gun at me. Asteroid impact: I heard one is on the way in. What, you think the headline today about that Deep Impact Rocket going to meet a comet is JUST FOR PRACTICE? hahahahaha. We are so gullible. Anyway the comforting thing about this one is that we'll all be going together. Now that I have just given you the odds I'm sure I'll end up dying some weird way, like with my head stuck in a bucket, and probably TOMORROW because you always jinx yourself with these things. But I'm gonna pray my Act of Contrition and not worry about it. See ya tomorrow!