Sunday, October 31, 2004

Three Cheers for Democracy!

It's a cool concept. We're not one, though, are we? Wouldn't that mean we get to vote on everything? And we don't. We have representatives do it for us. So we're a Consitutional Something Or Other. Right? A Republic? For which something stands? I feel at the moment we are very Divisible. Polarized. Angry. Which is fine. It means we care! We may even go to the polls to send our Expressions of Political Caringness. It might be more effective than sending a card! Well I am here to say I don't think it matters who wins. (And I DO care who wins.) I have my hot button issues, naturally, and am willing to scald you with them, but I don't need to. Because even though *my* candidate is on the *right* side of these issues, I don't think much is going to be done about it. By either candidate. Now remember the last time how the country got all in a huff about Stolen Elections, Voting Irregularities, and the Ditz in Miami-Dade with the Caterpillar Ballot? Then there was all that angst over the popular vote vs the Electoral College. Well first of all, there's no point in getting upset about the Electoral College. There's a reason why they're not the Electoral University. We aren't smart enough to have changed the system if we don't like it. So we're stuck with it. No whining over this Expired Horse. Second, the election turned on very few votes. A couple hundred, in a country of several hundred million. That in itself is statistically astounding. And I feel an inordinate amount of importance attached to my vote simply because I'm a Florida resident. (And boy are we getting the political junk mail in proportion to our perceived importance! I'm gonna have to set up a whole separate recycling bin for it.) But whether you were for Bush or Gore last time, or Buchanan or Nader, I see no reason to be upset with the outcome. Because basically it was a statistical dead heat. Either guy could've won. So no matter which candidate you end up with, about half the people are gonna be happy. The same is true this time around! So that's why it doesn't matter who wins. Half the people are gonna be unhappy. And I don't care which half it is, because neither of these guys are going to have much effect on the things that matter most. Like the price of gas. Like whether the Sears Tower or Indian Point Nuclear Reactor or the Statue of Liberty or Seattle's Space Needle is gonna be next. Like whether the rest of the middle class and working class jobs are going to be outsourced. They are. I had a chance to hire a book cover designer from overseas at a much cheaper rate than the professionals from the U.S. I resisted the temptation. And NOT just because I wanted my book title to be in English. I paid him what he was worth and am happy with the job he did. Now is the latest Osama tape going to affect the election outcome? At this point, who knows? The race is already too close to call. And there are arguments both for and against each candidate relating to an Osama Declaration. Now if, as some suggest, OBL's tape was a signal to his cronies to pull off Another 9/11, only it'll be on 11/1, well, all bets are off. Then my prediction for the election? We won't have it. Ever. So my advice is: enjoy democracy while you have it. Don't eat beef from Wobbly Cows. Don't let anyone implant you with computer chips. Avoid One World Religion concepts. Because that's for the World. Not our ultimate destination, in case you haven't checked your ticket lately. Don't respond to unsolicited e-mails from your bank. Don't open any attachments. Wear your sunscreen. Don't think Russia is a weak military power. Ask yourself how China could be a Most Favored Nation for anything. If someone performs "miracles," ask whom he serves. If the answer is Humanity, you know you've got a Prince of the World on your hands. (Refer back to Ultimate Destination.) If it snows if Florida, remember ice scrapers can be imported from Buffalo. Just let me know what color you want. Don't put curled up paper in your printer. Diet Soda is like Liquid Alzheimers. Try to limit yourself to one lost memory per day. Look both ways when your light turns green. (This has saved me from death or serious injury on at least 3 occasions that I can recall.) Treat chicken as a radioactive substance until it is cooked. And whatever else happens, prior to, during, or after the election, Don't Panic. Your ticket is punched. You only need to worry about the destination. Don't get sidetracked.

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