Coffee Drinkers Mentally Unhinged

Just read a story about how some brilliant group of mental health professionals feels that coffee drinkers are so addicted to their cups of joe that they need to be classified as mentally ill. Well it's hard to argue with mental health professionals who obviously don't have a jolt of anything useful to wake them up. You would think with all the people out there mumbling to themselves in iambic pentameter, or assembling weapons of mass destruction using internet do-it-yourself kits, or writing rambling letters to the editor with excess punctuation, you would think with all THOSE crazies out there, they would leave us coffee drinkers alone. But no. We seem a little too happy in the morning. It's time to suggest we're a little TOO satisfied with that first cup. Maybe there's something wrong with us that they can treat with powerful drugs or group therapy. And by the way I am not down on counseling in general. It's a great place to get objective opinions on things that will only make you crazier if you try to solve them using the advice of twelve different family members. But if they're going to fool with my coffee in the morning I'm going to banish them to the decaf pot, or maybe condemn them to just drinking one of those colon cleansing products. The interesting thing about my Coffee Derangement is that it did not begin in college, where most people pick up a habit that will allow them to graduate on time. Once I did start drinking it I got to thinking I would've had better grades in college and a few extra degrees had I known what a great stimulant it was. I might even have gone on to be a very Opinionated Rocket Scientist. (Opinion: Maybe we don't need to send people into space anymore. We could just send "probes" or other exciting equipment that we can replace if it crashes.) But I knew I had a problem during this latest Hurricane (Jeanne. We've been getting so many it's hard to distinguish one from the other.) Our power was out for 12 hours. I vowed after this experience that my next Survival Appliance is going to be a butane-powered coffee maker. Just for me. Forget the steaks in the fridge! Who needs air conditioning! The phone is optional. I need my coffee or I can't help anyone hold onto the roof so it doesn't blow off. The mental health professionals have suggested that coffee drinkers become "irritable" when they don't get their fix. A sure sign of addiction! (I am also addicted to food and sleep, but I suppose that's another essay.) The only reason we become irritable is because we are grumpy. Grumpiness causes irritableness, obviously. The Coffee Issue is just a diversion as we argue about it. Besides coffee is as American as the Boston Tea Party. So I feel I am exhibiting my patriotism each day as I load up the coffee filters. Also I'm sort of territorial about it. Hubby doesn't drink much coffee, but when he tells me about having a specialty coffee with the people at work it feels like he is cheating on me. Especially when it is an exciting flavor that he has savored and is describing in great detail. Hmmmph. So I want the mental health professionals to get off this Coffee Vendetta before I blow up their house. Now out of my way. It's time for my first cup.