Sunday, June 13, 2004

Food is Bad for You

It was inevitable, right? Turns out food itself is our undoing. I've suspected this for a long time. Humans have been mysteriously dying off, usually by the age of 100 or so, and I've noticed they all have something in common. Eating! So scientifically speaking there is a VERY HIGH likelihood we're all being slowly poisoned by food. In fact, there is that study that was just done, the Mouse Diet, (not nearly as popular as the Atkins Thingie, possibly because no mouse has yet written a book, and Mickey just suggests sugary foods from the Disney snack carts). Well the Mouse Diet has determined that the less food you eat, the longer you live. Case closed! If you've ever noticed, things that don't eat never die off. Such as statues. However they don't get many lifestyle points, as they are stuck in one place. So with that in mind, let's review the Top Ten Worst Foods For You (not to be confused with the Most Dangerous). These are simply bad for you. 10) Crackers. Yes, the carbohydrate that started it all. Crackers were a snack food before there ever was such a thing. And it turns out, the better they taste, the worse they are for you! So get the whole wheat kind without salt, and you are sure to not eat very many of them. 9) Bologna. This lunch meat, like cheese puffs, fall into the "Foods which aren't actually foods" category. They are actually just chemicals dressed up to look like food. I might be better off eating my kids' plastic grocery store toys. Actually they are not too bad with condiments. Also I ate bologna sandwiches for the first eight years of my grade school career before I got sick of them, so I'm definitely on my way out. 8) Soft drinks. The sugar! The phosphorus! The calories! The fizz! Maybe we should just substitute straight shots of whiskey. (That at least has grain in it, right?) But if you do value your teeth, I guess non-colas are the worst on your enamel, and root beer the best. 7) Chicken nuggets. The hydrogenated oils make this a no-no. Especially because the nutritional content is suspect too. We might as well take the kids directly to the ice cream parlor, and skip the fast food joint. 6) Potato chips. Fake flavor. Fake color. Fake texture. Fake shape. These things are the dietary equivalent of Anna Nicole Smith. We'd probably be better off serving HER on a platter! And I love them so. Well just to shred this snack's last bit of dignity, there is no nutritional value at all even though the word "Potato" is prominently in the title. 5) Toaster Pastries. I suppose the most ubiquitous offender would be Pop-Tarts, but now they've also got Toaster Strudels and other kinds. We do allow our kids to have these, but we don't pretend they are breakfast. It's a reward snack. "You can have one after you finish your chicken nuggets and non-cola soft drink!" 4) Sports Drinks. Well you need to keep hydrated. Especially in Florida. But you'd be much better off with that drink that comes from the sky...water. Sports drinks are the color of anti-freeze for a reason. They don't belong in your body. 3) Sweetened Cereals. Sigh. These are truly dear to my heart. The kids clamor for them. But they are a snack food masquerading as Breakfast. 2) Margarine. If you thought butter was bad for you, margarine quite possibly is worse. Supposedly someone did a study and discovered that if you leave margarine out on your porch, no insect will touch it. (Right they did a study. That's what I was doing when my leftovers spoiled, too.) Bottom line is, if you're planning to use margarine, you might as well go for taste and use butter. 1) And the number one Awful Food is (dramatic sounds of frying oil in the background)--Doughnuts! Yes. My favorite food. At least it's my favorite when they're in front of me. There is nothing good about doughnuts except for the fact that they put you in a good mood. And as I review this list I find it so depressing I may have to have doughnuts for breakfast. Bologna for lunch. Chicken nuggets, chips and a soft drink for dinner. May I rest in peace.

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