Thursday, August 18, 2005

Runaway Bride Story Keeps On Mowing

You've probably all seen pictures of Runaway Bride Jennifer Wilbanks mowing the White House lawn in her orange vest. Whoops! I forgot she has no security clearance to trim the turf at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Make that the Probation Department front yard. Ms. Wilbanks is the bride who in April hopped a bus for a cross-country trip in order to escape her lavish wedding. Reason: We still don't know! After concocting a tale of how she'd been kidnapped (by a hispanic male with bad teeth and Jennifer Hyatte -- whoops! She's ex-nurse prison breakout lady. Here we go again making up whoppers. I'm just the Burger King of Deceit today.) the authorities came down hard on her. They ordered her to pay restitution to the city of Duluth, Georgia, and to mow lawns for the summer. Presumably in the hope that the hot Georgia sun beating down on her head would set her thinking straight. Other exciting details have emerged in these past months of Post Non-Wedding Traumatic Stress that our nation has had to endure. Particularly as we sit around wondering what exactly Ms. Wilbanks SAYS to her allegedly Still-Fiance John Mason. She: How would you feel about eloping? He: Would that be with ME? Or the hispanic guy? She: He had terrible teeth. I can't believe you can be so cruel to keep bringing that up! He: So how many tickets did you want for the honeymoon? She: Shut up. What would you think about the Mediterranean? There's that cruise line that stops in Turkey... He: The one where the groom got murdered? Forget it! I'm not going. She: There the news media goes again jumping to conclusions. Maybe he had personal issues with the food! He: Never mind. Let's rent a video. I'll have it delivered with the pizza. Another thing I'm sure we're all still wondering about is her perpetually wide-eyed expression. Sure, she probably made a face like that when she first realized her "personal issue" had blossomed into a national media frenzy. But still. Why does she have that startled gaze in practically every photo? Well I lurched across a potential answer recently. I won't say where, other than to mention I discovered this fascinating information shortly before I paid for my groceries. Anyway, some alleged "journalists" are alleging that Jennifer Wilbanks' (former?) alleged friends and acquaintances are alleging that she has had a LOT of alleged plastic surgery. To the point where you might suspect that plastic surgery is one of her expensive hobbies. In addition to her alleged breast implants, she allegedly had her eyebrows lifted and they somehow got permanently stuck in that Gee Whiz expression. It is NOT an expression I would pay extra for. Especially if I had to look that way all the time. So I guess there was no thyroid disorder, which was my personal theory. Let's rummage through the Bridal Baggage and see what she's been toting in that extra-heavy suitcase: Possible Addiction to Plastic Surgery, Multiple Shoplifting Attempts, Fear of Large Weddings, Inability to have a Normal Conversation with Fiance, Grandiose Lying to Authorities. Some people say all this suggests mental problems. Well one person's "mental problems" are another person's tics. And I'm here to jump up and down, Tomcruiselike, on my pseudo-psychiatrist's couch, to tell you that Ms. Wilbanks simply has TICS, or Tremendously Imaginative Coping Skills. True, many of us, upon changing our minds about an imminent wedding, would simply communicate that fact to someone. Anyone. Preferably the spouse-to-be, but failing that we'd at least tell the best man, maid of honor or even the FlowerToddler. "Uncle John! Jennifer says she's gonna stay in the bathroom for FIFTY YEARS until you're dead!" Problem solved. But people with TICS react to stress in unexpected, often newsworthy ways. Michael Jackson dangles babies. Bobby Knight hurls chairs. Bill Clinton entertains friends in the Oval Office. George Bush exports democracy to nations that are allergic to it. Marie Osmond takes a sabbatical from her family. Russell Crowe shot puts phones into interviewers' faces. Ashley Simpson starts square dancing. And so forth. There is one other rumor that surfaced a couple weeks ago that I want to address. Supposedly Ms. Wilbanks' wedding is back on, and she has registered for gifts at Pottery Barn. Because even a horrifically halted wedding doesn't take away someone's Right To Register. I think you have to commit felony class bad taste for that. And because I am (to use personal ad terminology) a MWBB, or Married White Busy-Body, I naturally had to check out this rumor for myself. So I went to the Pottery Barn website and looked up Ms. Wilbanks' name in the Registry Section. Nothing! A dead end. But consider. After getting blistered under the hot glare of publicity, is she really going to register under her own name? Of course not! So I checked for her fiance's name, John Mason. Bingo! He is getting married on August 20th to a "Jennifer Riley." A pseudonym, perhaps? I will provide here a link to the registry so you can check this out for yourselves. I link, YOU DECIDE! Jennifer's Pottery Barn Wish List Okay, I just noticed the link only takes you to the Pottery Barn site. You can do what I did, which is go to the Registry and type in "John Mason." I do hope Ms. Wilbanks scores a lucrative book or movie deal, or both. Mainly because she has one of the most famous faces in America, and probably can't afford a 24-hour bodyguard named "Muscles." Can you imagine going to work every day at a normal job and have everyone wanting to see you due to your Famous Wedding Gaffe? She worked in a medical office -- I'll bet people will start coming in for non-existent ailments just to see her! I guess we'll find out in a couple a days if this is actually the wedding of Ms. Wilbanks and the long-suffering Mr. Mason. They are scheduled for August 20th nuptials. Either that, or a completely DIFFERENT John Mason, and his mortified bride, Jennifer Riley, will have the national press camped out in front of their completely unrelated wedding! If you DO check out the registry, I am thinking of sending the Sausalito Gravy Boat in merlot. Kidding! If I sent anything it would be a pair of sunglasses, since as a permanent celebrity she will probably have to wear them for the rest of her life.

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