Thursday, August 18, 2005

Runaway Bride Story Keeps On Mowing

You've probably all seen pictures of Runaway Bride Jennifer Wilbanks mowing the White House lawn in her orange vest. Whoops! I forgot she has no security clearance to trim the turf at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Make that the Probation Department front yard. Ms. Wilbanks is the bride who in April hopped a bus for a cross-country trip in order to escape her lavish wedding. Reason: We still don't know! After concocting a tale of how she'd been kidnapped (by a hispanic male with bad teeth and Jennifer Hyatte -- whoops! She's ex-nurse prison breakout lady. Here we go again making up whoppers. I'm just the Burger King of Deceit today.) the authorities came down hard on her. They ordered her to pay restitution to the city of Duluth, Georgia, and to mow lawns for the summer. Presumably in the hope that the hot Georgia sun beating down on her head would set her thinking straight. Other exciting details have emerged in these past months of Post Non-Wedding Traumatic Stress that our nation has had to endure. Particularly as we sit around wondering what exactly Ms. Wilbanks SAYS to her allegedly Still-Fiance John Mason. She: How would you feel about eloping? He: Would that be with ME? Or the hispanic guy? She: He had terrible teeth. I can't believe you can be so cruel to keep bringing that up! He: So how many tickets did you want for the honeymoon? She: Shut up. What would you think about the Mediterranean? There's that cruise line that stops in Turkey... He: The one where the groom got murdered? Forget it! I'm not going. She: There the news media goes again jumping to conclusions. Maybe he had personal issues with the food! He: Never mind. Let's rent a video. I'll have it delivered with the pizza. Another thing I'm sure we're all still wondering about is her perpetually wide-eyed expression. Sure, she probably made a face like that when she first realized her "personal issue" had blossomed into a national media frenzy. But still. Why does she have that startled gaze in practically every photo? Well I lurched across a potential answer recently. I won't say where, other than to mention I discovered this fascinating information shortly before I paid for my groceries. Anyway, some alleged "journalists" are alleging that Jennifer Wilbanks' (former?) alleged friends and acquaintances are alleging that she has had a LOT of alleged plastic surgery. To the point where you might suspect that plastic surgery is one of her expensive hobbies. In addition to her alleged breast implants, she allegedly had her eyebrows lifted and they somehow got permanently stuck in that Gee Whiz expression. It is NOT an expression I would pay extra for. Especially if I had to look that way all the time. So I guess there was no thyroid disorder, which was my personal theory. Let's rummage through the Bridal Baggage and see what she's been toting in that extra-heavy suitcase: Possible Addiction to Plastic Surgery, Multiple Shoplifting Attempts, Fear of Large Weddings, Inability to have a Normal Conversation with Fiance, Grandiose Lying to Authorities. Some people say all this suggests mental problems. Well one person's "mental problems" are another person's tics. And I'm here to jump up and down, Tomcruiselike, on my pseudo-psychiatrist's couch, to tell you that Ms. Wilbanks simply has TICS, or Tremendously Imaginative Coping Skills. True, many of us, upon changing our minds about an imminent wedding, would simply communicate that fact to someone. Anyone. Preferably the spouse-to-be, but failing that we'd at least tell the best man, maid of honor or even the FlowerToddler. "Uncle John! Jennifer says she's gonna stay in the bathroom for FIFTY YEARS until you're dead!" Problem solved. But people with TICS react to stress in unexpected, often newsworthy ways. Michael Jackson dangles babies. Bobby Knight hurls chairs. Bill Clinton entertains friends in the Oval Office. George Bush exports democracy to nations that are allergic to it. Marie Osmond takes a sabbatical from her family. Russell Crowe shot puts phones into interviewers' faces. Ashley Simpson starts square dancing. And so forth. There is one other rumor that surfaced a couple weeks ago that I want to address. Supposedly Ms. Wilbanks' wedding is back on, and she has registered for gifts at Pottery Barn. Because even a horrifically halted wedding doesn't take away someone's Right To Register. I think you have to commit felony class bad taste for that. And because I am (to use personal ad terminology) a MWBB, or Married White Busy-Body, I naturally had to check out this rumor for myself. So I went to the Pottery Barn website and looked up Ms. Wilbanks' name in the Registry Section. Nothing! A dead end. But consider. After getting blistered under the hot glare of publicity, is she really going to register under her own name? Of course not! So I checked for her fiance's name, John Mason. Bingo! He is getting married on August 20th to a "Jennifer Riley." A pseudonym, perhaps? I will provide here a link to the registry so you can check this out for yourselves. I link, YOU DECIDE! Jennifer's Pottery Barn Wish List Okay, I just noticed the link only takes you to the Pottery Barn site. You can do what I did, which is go to the Registry and type in "John Mason." I do hope Ms. Wilbanks scores a lucrative book or movie deal, or both. Mainly because she has one of the most famous faces in America, and probably can't afford a 24-hour bodyguard named "Muscles." Can you imagine going to work every day at a normal job and have everyone wanting to see you due to your Famous Wedding Gaffe? She worked in a medical office -- I'll bet people will start coming in for non-existent ailments just to see her! I guess we'll find out in a couple a days if this is actually the wedding of Ms. Wilbanks and the long-suffering Mr. Mason. They are scheduled for August 20th nuptials. Either that, or a completely DIFFERENT John Mason, and his mortified bride, Jennifer Riley, will have the national press camped out in front of their completely unrelated wedding! If you DO check out the registry, I am thinking of sending the Sausalito Gravy Boat in merlot. Kidding! If I sent anything it would be a pair of sunglasses, since as a permanent celebrity she will probably have to wear them for the rest of her life.


Blogger ninest123 Ninest said...

ninest123 09.30
ray ban sunglasses, burberry outlet online, longchamp, michael kors outlet, nike air max, michael kors outlet, gucci outlet, replica watches, louis vuitton outlet, chanel handbags, ugg boots, oakley sunglasses, nike free, michael kors outlet, tiffany jewelry, louboutin shoes, polo ralph lauren outlet, louis vuitton, louis vuitton outlet, jordan shoes, oakley sunglasses, kate spade outlet, burberry, tory burch outlet, uggs on sale, nike air max, tiffany and co, replica watches, louis vuitton, michael kors outlet, ugg boots, longchamp outlet, michael kors outlet, louboutin outlet, ugg boots, nike outlet, ray ban sunglasses, polo ralph lauren outlet, ugg boots, longchamp outlet, louis vuitton, christian louboutin outlet, prada outlet, louboutin, oakley sunglasses, cheap oakley sunglasses, michael kors, oakley sunglasses, prada handbags

9/30/2015 01:31:00 AM  
Blogger ninest123 Ninest said...

lululemon, tn pas cher, hollister pas cher, michael kors, ray ban pas cher, coach outlet, true religion outlet, vans pas cher, ray ban uk, air jordan pas cher, sac longchamp, coach purses, michael kors, nike air max, kate spade handbags, louboutin pas cher, lacoste pas cher, true religion jeans, oakley pas cher, air force, ralph lauren uk, air max, nike free, mulberry, true religion jeans, michael kors, new balance pas cher, north face, michael kors, sac guess, burberry, coach outlet, vanessa bruno, hollister, longchamp pas cher, nike roshe, nike air max, nike roshe run, converse pas cher, north face, abercrombie and fitch, hogan, hermes, true religion jeans, timberland, nike blazer, nike free run uk, nike air max, ralph lauren pas cher, coach factory outlet, ray ban sunglasses

9/30/2015 01:33:00 AM  
Blogger ninest123 Ninest said...

abercrombie and fitch, reebok shoes, p90x workout, nike air max, instyler, new balance, nfl jerseys, longchamp, asics running shoes, mcm handbags, vans shoes, insanity workout, valentino shoes, north face outlet, nike trainers, nike air max, hollister, converse outlet, nike roshe, ghd, hollister, vans, chi flat iron, soccer shoes, mont blanc, giuseppe zanotti, north face outlet, ray ban, babyliss, ralph lauren, baseball bats, celine handbags, mac cosmetics, bottega veneta, nike huarache, ferragamo shoes, herve leger, oakley, louboutin, soccer jerseys, hollister, beats by dre, birkin bag, jimmy choo shoes, gucci, converse, lululemon, timberland boots, wedding dresses, iphone 6 cases, ugg,uggs,uggs canada

9/30/2015 01:34:00 AM  
Blogger ninest123 Ninest said...

bottes ugg, canada goose, hollister, juicy couture outlet, pandora jewelry, pandora jewelry, canada goose, moncler, supra shoes, pandora charms, swarovski crystal, louis vuitton, toms shoes, lancel, replica watches, swarovski, sac louis vuitton pas cher, juicy couture outlet, moncler, michael kors handbags, ugg pas cher, moncler outlet, moncler, canada goose outlet, moncler, canada goose, moncler, doke gabbana outlet, barbour, links of london, michael kors outlet, ugg,ugg australia,ugg italia, doudoune canada goose, canada goose outlet, louis vuitton, wedding dresses, pandora charms, canada goose, louis vuitton, karen millen, ugg boots uk, michael kors outlet online, marc jacobs, barbour jackets, moncler, moncler, coach outlet, canada goose uk, montre pas cher, thomas sabo, louis vuitton
ninest123 09.30

9/30/2015 01:36:00 AM  
Blogger Minko Chen said...

air jordan 13
longchamp handbags outlet
michael kors outlet
christian louboutin outlet
cyber monday 2015
cheap ugg boots
moncler outlet store
michael kors outlet online
michael kors outlet
calvin klein outlet
coach outlet online
oakley canada
fitflop sale
golden state warriors
chanel handbags outlet
cheap ray ban sunglasses
prada outlet online
michael kors handbags wholesale
tommy hilfiger

11/25/2015 04:54:00 AM  
Blogger Fangyaya said...

fitflops sale clearance
michael kors outlet
asics shoes
christian louboutin outlet
ralph lauren clearance outlet
ralph lauren outlet
michael kors outlet
kobe 11
juicy couture
mont blanc
polo ralph lauren outlet
coach outlet online
michael kors outlet
michael kors outlet online
cheap oakley sunglasses
michael kors purses
coach factory outlet
rolex submariner
coach outlet
christian louboutin outlet
michael kors outlet clearance
kate spade
louis vuitton outlet stores
louis vuitton outlet
ray ban sunglasses
tods outlet
louis vuitton outlet
hollister clothing store
true religion jeans

7/26/2016 03:27:00 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home