Don't Trust Anyone Over 70

If you're old enough you may remember the line from the sixties that was the badge of the youth counterculture movement. "Don't trust anyone over 30!" Because when you're young, you really can't imagine attaining that advanced age, and thus becoming untrustworthy. That was also the premise for the short-lived TV series Logan's Run. In that futuristic sci-fi world, anyone over 30 was executed, so no one would have to take medication, endure wrinkles or eat fiber. A few defiant 29-year-olds made the bold decision that instead of the hemlock cocktail (or whatever was the form of execution, I forget. Maybe the younger generation ate them) they would instead make a run for it, hence the title, "Logan's Run." Well I have good news about all that. New research has pushed middle age back much further, so we don't have to worry about being old for many more decades. It's true! What they're basing it on is our longer life expectancies, and general better health during those middle and older years. So if you used to worry about "getting old" when you turned 30, ferggedabouddit! According to researchers, FORTY is the new 30. Now when we turn 40 we can START to wonder if we should move out of the house, attain a significant other and perhaps apply for a mortgage. Oh, yes, and be sure to slap on some sunscreen. At 30 you are still a young sprite with lots of years of youthful clubbing to do. Think about it, when you see people in their twenties with kids, don't you automatically think they must be the babysitter or the nanny? And if you find out they actually GAVE BIRTH to the kids, why, it's like "Babies having Babies!" What person in their twenties is mature enough to change diapers, treat diaper rash and monitor a little human's nutritional intake? I wouldn't trust a person in their twenties to vacuum out my car! And by the way, this wasn't just ANY team of researchers that came to these conclusions. It was an INTERNATIONAL team of researchers, so you know that 20-something slackers exist all over the globe, particularly Italy. (I am just referring to the recent report from that nation that tells us Italian men live at home longer than men from practically any other country because their mothers bribe them with excellent home-cooked meals.) So the new measuring stick is NOT how many years you've lived since birth, but rather how many years you HAVE LEFT until you go to the great Methodological Research Study in the sky. (Be sure to know what cohort you belong to before expiring.) One slight problem with this is we're never quite sure exactly when we're going to leave the planet, with the exception of death row inmates. That makes it more difficult to know if you're in early middle age or late social security bordering on deceased. Personally, some days I feel like Young Parent With A Modicum of Control (never more than a modicum, though) and others I feel like I'm partially embalmed already. But the researchers are saying that nowadays young retirees are as healthy and vigorous as their early middle aged counterparts from a few decades ago. Partly because they have better health habits, and partly because we have better medications and treatments for the disorders that afflict us as we age. Admit it! You are a lot younger-feeling than your parents were at the same age! There is no getting around the fact that previous generations smoked like a New Jersey tire fire, ate fat like it was a food group and thought seatbelts were purely decorative. No one had even heard of the terms cholesterol or triglycerides! Women should make a special note. Your biological clock is NOT going to allow you to wait until you're in your fifties to have kids. So best to be one of those young mothers and at least try to start your family in your thirties. However it's comforting to know I can retain my youth for a few more decades. Remember, the only people around you who are aging at a normal rate are the ones who are smoking. Bad for your skin! Bad for your lungs! Bad for Peter Jennings! So lay off the cigarettes and eat your fruits and vegetables, and you can join the rest of us 90-year-olds as we decide what sport we're going to take up in the active adult retirement community.