Thursday, March 17, 2005

Avert Your Eyes From Horror of Local News

I know it was just last month that I was complaining that my local news sounded like a trailer for an upcoming horror film. Well we had another one of those days again, so rather than suffer the headlines alone I must share them with you. It starts with a parked car rolling down the driveway and killing a 4-year-old. One of those fluke things where the grandmother was going to pick the girl up. While she's at the door talking to the mother, the 4-year-old runs out to the car, which has the driver's side door open. She is standing near the door when something kicks the car into neutral. Slipped gearshift? One of the other kids in the car? We don't know, but the 4-year-old got knocked down by the door and run over by the car. I can relate to how easy it is for something like that to happen. Just this weekend I BACKED OVER MY SON'S 3-foot-high flexible BATTING TEE with the car. Now I knew the kids were in the house, and fortunately I didn't damage any animal, mineral, vegetable or small child, but the fact is toddlers and little kids are about the size of this batting tee. So I could easily envision how dangerous stuff happens. When you've got little kids it doesn't hurt to check UNDER the car before driving anywhere. But the depressing news doesn't end there. Next on the docket it "Cyclist Critical After Accident." This was a 15-year-old who was mowed down by a guy with a previous history of DWIs. No word yet on whether he was under the influence of anything this time. The girl has since died. Next up: Man Killed By Train. I never understand the train incidents. Unless someone ties you to the track like Olive Oyl, how can you miss the fact that a train is coming? They're big. They're loud. They create a lot of rushing air. What makes people think this is a good time to play leapfrog on the tracks? This is the third train death in Polk County this month. Maybe terrorists are leaving dollar bills on the tracks? Beats me. Then there was a Suspicious Pond Drowning, and a man who was Tasered to Death, although the death was declared "not due to tasering." He just coincidentally expired of a post-drug "excited delirium" while in the process of being tasered. Apparently the culprit was his withdrawal from a prescription drug. Although, honesty, I could picture myself having an "excited delirium" or even a "really angry and terrified delirium" if someone were tasering me. Sort of like Dying of Fear after your knife attack. The puncture wounds are incidental. Hopefully tomorrow's news will be better. Maybe a homeless person will win the lottery and flowers will be planted somewhere. Kids will return home safely and the train conductor will report a uneventful journey. The police will talk the suspect into the car without resorting to weapons, or better yet, no suspicious activity will occur to warrant anyone being questioned or subdued! All toddlers and small childern will be cherished and watched over by vigilant parents, and no freak accidents will occur. The devil will take a day off and we'll all drive without tailgating. Well, we can try.

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