Thursday, February 03, 2005

Try the Hermit Diet...it Really Works!

Well I chuckled last month when I read in the paper that after an extensive study, scientists have discovered that Diets Don't Work. Like we couldn't have just looked at our butts in the mirror and determined the same thing without using either a survey or a scale. Oh, yes, plenty of diets work in the short term. In fact, I'm willing to bet that ALL of them do, except perhaps the Fast Food Diet pioneered by indie auteur Morgan Spurlock, who tested his theory in a cute documentary titled, "Super Size Me." He gained, like, 20 pounds in six weeks and was worried about having to go on blood pressure medication. But all of the top diets resulted in most of the people gaining back their weight and even more, within months or years of their initial weight loss. There WAS a caveat for the Weight Watchers plan, because people who did this program and continued it seemed to have a lot more success than people on the other diets. I will surmise a reason for this too...the reason is because Weight Watchers is more than a diet, it's a Way of Life. And if you change your eating habits from a lifestyle perspective, you will keep the weight off. Note: I have not been brainwashed by the Weight Watchers People to say that. I have no familiarity with them other than to look over the Point Counting Booklets that other people have shown me. But I can name a number of people that I know personally who have had great success with Weight Watchers, so I'm willing to be an advocate strictly on hearsay. If you tell me you're on Weight Watchers, and I'll even say go ahead and buy new outfits! Oh look, this isn't even my topic today. A total digression. I wanted to tell you about the latest Diet Craze that you yo-yo crash dieting people will REALLY like. It takes the weight off fast (so you can fit into that bridesmaid's dress or swimsuit) and you don't have to worry about putting the weight back on later because you KNOW you will. haha. So stop worrying already! I call this the Hermit Diet. I don't know what proponents are calling it, maybe the Fasting Diet. I guess we'll have to wait and see who comes out with a best-selling book on the topic, maybe in the OTHER Miami Dolphins color, "throw up" orange. It's so simple it's laughable. Here it is: Day 1: You are fasting. You can consume water, other calorie-free drinks and chew sugarless gum. That's it. Like John the Baptist, you are fasting in the desert. Except I think even he had honey and locusts to snack on. Day 2: You are eating. Go for it! Eat the way you normally do. Eat the way Kirstie Alley does! No, order the Rosie O'Donnell size portions. Take an IV while you're eating for added nutrition! There are no limits. Take your cell phone to a restuarant and conduct all your personal business from there. Bring a picnic basket into the bathroom with you. Don't talk to anyone all day because your mouth is full. Seriously! Day 3: (and every odd numbered day henceforth) Fasting again. Get used to it. Day 4: (and every even numbered day henceforth) Gorging again. However you are NOT allowed to purge like those bulimics do. That would be cheating, and it's very bad for your tooth enamel besides. That's it! No more complicated than that. You don't have to count calories, get on a scale, measure your stomach rolls with calipers...nothing. Scientists say this diet WILL work because the average person is not able to compensate for the calorie loss on the fasting days with the binge eating on the other days. There is (ahem) a slight drawback to this diet. Studies have shown that participants in the Diet Trials were persistently crabby on their fasting days. Even more crabby than they would be on a normal fad diet. So people on the Hermit Diet are advised to avoid humanity and not enter into any legal agreements on their fasting days. Jury duty would be totally out of the question. (Hey! Another excuse for you Jury Duty Avoiders!) The results were pretty good too. The diet took place over three weeks, and the people in the study lost an average of five pounds, and their body fat went down too. In addition, their insulin levels went down by an average of 57 percent, even though they ate sweets like crazy on their Feast Days. So if anyone is tired of Atkins, or Grapefruit, or the Zone, or South Beach, maybe this is just the diet for you. You might want to remove yourself to the actual desert in order to avoid temptation on those fasting days. And while you're at it, could you offer up a few prayers? The world could use it.

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